The Funny Farm

BERLIN BOMBERS STRIKE IN SLO MOTION

San Luis Obispo, CA   FELL ASLEEP AROUND 9:45. Was awakened by some people talking loudly a couple doors down from us. Dozed off and was awakened again. Strike two. Fell asleep for another hour and then was awakened again at 1:30: Streeeerike Threeeee. I jumped out of bed and opened my door and determined that it was two doors down from us and coming from the Euro's that I had seen earlier in the evening going back and forth to their room with beer cans in their hands. I stormed down there and saw 4 of them sitting in chairs outside their rooms. Rubbing my eyes, I approached them and said 'This is the third time you guys have woke me up. You know your voice carries all the way to the other rooms and I am sure that other people can't sleep also. I guess it's past 9:30 in Europe, but this is Kalifornia and it's 1:30 and people can not sleep. Can you please keep it down."    "Yah, ve veel try." Thank you. Three and one half minutes later, I heard them disburse after perhaps kissing one another good night. Oh gootnight, Wolfgang. Veel see you in da morning. Ah yes, goot night Hermann. I shall mees you. End of that. Why is it always me. I can see it in the newspaper now:

BERLIN BOMBERS HOLD 72 HOSTAGES IN SLO MOTEL; DEMAND 6 CASES OF COORS AND 4 ATV'S. Police have been negotiating with a group of German Commando terrorists who have taken over an enormous motel in San Luis Obispo, CA and are ready to accept their demands, which they consider to be outrageous. They have herded their hostages into the large circular pool in an area adjacent to the parking lot. Be sure to watch the 11:00 news when we will be coming to you live. Marsha Rodiguez Santana Gonzalez Gomez Smith speaking to you from our station's headquarters in Pismo Beach.

Federal Times. Oct 15, 2009. NEWEST NAVY SHIP:   USS BARRACK OBAMA

This is what the increase in taxes on small businesses, etc. support??

These new sailors are filling all the new government jobs promised by Democrats. This latest high-tech vessel was christened by Reverend Wright. The USS Sharpton is currently under construction at a shipyard in Kenya while the USS Pelosi is being built from re-cycled Corona cans in Mexico.

YOUR CRAFT SHOW PROMOTER KIT

Now you can promote your own A&C Shows, festivals, etc. using out kit. It doesn't take brains to run a craft show. Included are an ad form for Graftmaster Shows Publication, form letters to send out to vendors, white chalk, tape measure, flashlight, plastic megaphone, clipboard, 2-dvd set (How to promote your own Craft Show), ID badges, a folding chair w/table and much more. Everything you need and all for the low, low price of $169.95. (with your Starving Vendor Membership). Without membership, $349.95. Great deal.

    ENTER YOUR HOMELY MUTT

    IN THE UGLIEST DOG CONTEST

Since we find so many dogs coming to festivals with their owners, we are trying to find the Ugliest Dog to have ever walked the streets or parks of any Festivals, Arts & Crafts Show, etc. Entry is free and we are offering a nice prize, a lifesize statue of our Golden Dog and a year's supply of doggie biscuits. The winner will be decided in December 2008. Please bring your dog and three photos to the local chomper of commerce at any festival and complete your entry form.

Find a location nearest you. 83 stores in California.

Don't want to spend a lot of money on gifts?Have you collected quite a few of them? Now you can bring them on down to your latest R.E. Cycle Gifts and exchange them for other things that you like. We only charge a $5.00 processing fee along with a one-time membership fee of $75.00. We will value your item and you can pay the difference.



                                 Just What we really need -

                  SHOE-BRELLA'S.

The perfect thing to keep your fancy, expensive, cheap shoes dry (sort of)... only $129.95

                            ASIAN NOODLE COOLER

Great for Cup-O-Noodles, Pancit, Cup-O-Soup, etc.

Priced at only $44.95 or buy the Family Pak 12 for $395.00



                          Obama's Mother-In-Law Moving In

WASHINGTON (Jan. 9) - Get ready for the in-law in chief. President-elect Barack Obama's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, is moving into the White House at least temporarily to join Michelle Obama and the two children, transition officials said Friday. That's good news not just for late-night comics, but for 10-year-old Malia and 7-year-old Sasha. During the campaign, Robinson retired from her job as a bank executive secretary to help care for her granddaughters.

NEW FOOD COUPONS REVEALED!!

The United States Government will approve a new food stamp coupon design on Jan 21. People enrolled in the program will be receiving these new coupons beginning on February 1. Individuals not receiving their new coupons by February 7, should call 1-800-OBA-BOBA press the letter 'b' for 'brother' if you are black, press the letter 'h' if you are white/

         OLD TIMERS SPOT ALIENS SIPHONING GAS FROM PUMP IN QUARTZSITE
Harvey Winkenmiller and Stanley Bauheister reported seeing a couple strange-looking characters siphoning gas from a pump early this morning at Love's. "I just knows they'zz up to som tin" said Harvey. "I was sitting over thar nappin in ma car and I looks up and sees these two little guys with big wobby ears and tiny little asses," added Stanley telling Tyson Times reporters.

ZERO DOLLAR FESTIVAL AND EVENTS PRESENTS

14TH ANNUAL
FESTIVAL ON THE BAY
Saturday and Sunday
May 3 and 4, 2009

"No Frills, no thrills,

no bills"   our motto.

Only $300 per 10x10 space.

We keep our costs down. No advertising, no security, no nothing.

Just send me your check for $300 plus $50 for electricity (if needed); $125 for insurance, $50 for city permit, $25 for police permit, $30 processing fee.

When you arrive at the festival go ahead and set up where ever you choose.   Last years attendance was 130,000 and we expect more this time!!!! Great location!!!   Best selling for vendors last year were yellow rubber ducks, toy motorboats and Galoshes.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA LIMITS HIGHWAY SPEEDS TO 30 MILES AN HOUR

San Diego, CA. Due to the huge influx of illegal aliens crossing over the border and running across highways, Governor Arco Swartznodder has lowered the speed limits to 30MPH on ALL highways located between Los Angeles and the Mexican border effective immediately. The action comes after an incident where 42 illegals were run into by a large semi-truck moving at 93 miles per hour. The owner of the Pleasant Valley Trucking Company expressed his remorse and has reprimanded the driver responsible

"We are trying to make the roads of Kaulifornia safer for evry boady." commented the governor before exiting the room for a trip to the bathroom. "I'll be bock!" he said rushing away holding himself.

                                        AT THE MOVIES

****  QUEASY RIDER.

Starring Arnest Borganine who plays the part of 'Wyatt' and Babra Bailingsly will co-star as his lifelong partner, "Billy". Gary Manthers will play the part of "Little Beaver" their entrusted Indian guide.

This is a story about an elderly couple who had been selling in Tyson Wells for many years,. They decide to sell out everything at the 2008 Sell-A-Rama and pack all their money into the gas tank of their Motorized Carts and set off across the country, looking for the America they never found in Arizona. They leave just after the show is over and head East to New Orleans and the Mardis Gras. Will they find the America they are seeking....will they open a booth in the Big Easy or will they reach an unexpected end to their lives.

*
**** BROKEBACK FOUNTAIN   Follow Heath Sledger as he hauls his 500-pound waterfalls from one festival to another. For 23 years, he rendevous with his good friend at a festival in the mountains, 300 miles from his home. All is well until one day, an unsuspecting wife opens a letter containing his motel reservation which shows that two people are staying in the room. Rather than confront him, she follows him to the festival where she has the surprise of her life.   "A real tearjerker" said one person involved in the creation of the film. "Could win an Academy Award" Said Dracy Morgan.

*** CLUELESS  the story of a craft show promoter who doesn’t have the faintest idea of how to put on an event. Absolutely hilarious, but there are sequences that will bring tears to your eyes. A former vendor, he thinks that he can make loads of cash but he runs up against opposition and red tape. Imagine 200 vendors marching to his middle-class on  home on Monday morning following an event, armed with signs, water balloons, paint balls, etc., as they protest his lack of advertising for the show where only 30 people showed up.

Hysterical Teens report seeing alien lab in mountains... have not been seen since!!!



Jon Hansen and Frederick Ellington returned from a drive out in the desert, reporting strange sightings beneath the ground of an alien lab. Below, their older vehicle is shown outside a tall chain link fence. At approximately 5:15AM, they were able to climb over the fence without being spotted and climbed up the large hill overlooking the desert. The found a beat-up wooden door which led to a cave. The quickly followed the poorly lighted pathway down some stairs to a lab below. The quietly crept their way past an open door leading to an experimental lab where they saw supposed aliens examining a middle-aged gentleman. The two boys left and told their story to Jon's mother, who has reported the two of them missing. Police are investigating the mysterious findings and disappearance.



PARTICIPATE IN ANNUAL STARVING VENDORS FOOD DRIVE.

Please participate in our food drive. Bring your cans, boxes, toilet tissue, TV's, IPod's, etc. to our Monthly Food Drive held at various locations throughout the country. On the 15th of every month, you may bring used clothing and food to the Beverly Walshare hotel lobby located in the big heart of Beverly Hells. Please leave your TV's, IPods, computers, etc. at the big white truck alongside the curb.

You may also leave your goods off at many of our participating stores along Rodero Drive in Beverly Hells. Cash Donations are also accepted and are tax-deductible. The food that you donate is deeply appreciated as there are thousands of starving vendors out there. Sales have been very slow and we need all the help you can give us. IPod's would be of great use to us, as we can listen to music during the many slow hours at our festivals.

         Sherman and
           Herman Bates
          win $2.3 million
          in Indian Lottery

"I wanna get a new wheelchair for my mom," said Herman. "She'd just love that." "I want the motel to look just like the one in the pictures ....that is so cool," added Sherman. "Maybe we'll call it The Bates Motel,"

The two handsome, eligible bachelors plan to open a small 10-room motel in Tyson Wells, approx 1/4 mile east of the Sell-a-Rama. "This is what this place needs," explained an excited Sherman Bates. "I've always wanted to have my own motel and now I have the money to build one. Or maybe I'll have a small one hauled in." The 32-year old twins have resided in the area their entire lives and would like to take a trip to Las Vegas when they receive their money.

"PROFESSIONAL CARD COUNTERS NABBED IN 5 CASINOS"

Las Vegas, NV.....A huge card counting contingent from Tellis University was nabbed in several Las Vegas casinos last night. . Authorities have confirmed the arrest of 230 students from the popular southwest university who were spending two weeks in Las Vegas 'enjoying their summer vacation.' They had been under observation since they arrived in Sin City as several of them were overheard on their aircraft discussing techniques they would be using.

"oh gosh, we get all kinds of universities in here now.' explained Lt. Columbus of the local police force. Ever since that team from back east...Boston University, was nabbed and they came out with movies and stuff, we must have 20 colleges a month trying out systems here. They think that they will make enough to pay for their education or they figure that they won't have to get a real job. To tell the truth, I think this group lost their asses. Nowadays, they even have kids taking courses for college credit." Lt Columbus puffed his cigar and then stared up in the sky for a second and stretched out his hands. "I guess you get a college degree in that.... what....hard knocks.:

Lt. Columbus discovers training lab
used to teach card counters

Las Vegas, NV. Located in what was thought to be a safe and secure area high in the mountains surrounding the city of Las Vegas, this remote structure was discovered this morning by the Lieutenant, who is the top inspector and homicide investigator within the police force.

"You know, actually it didn't take me that long to figure this place out," explained the smiling inspector, puffing on his cigar while tugging on his dog's leash. "Here I am, just sitting in my car at a Starbrocks and I see this old, old station wagon full of college kids and it looked like they were pretty soused... the car was kind of swerving left, right, left, right..you know what I mean.   So, I followed them up the long, winding road to this place"

"I had the surprise of my life," exclaimed the Lieutenant thowing his hands up in the air. "Who would have ever thought that this old, beat-up, round-house thing would be sitting on top of a bunch of caves. I mean, not just a cave... but a bunch of beautiful rooms and 3 of those rooms, each with wood paneling, big screen TV's, recliners had all kinds of black jack tables and all that stuff. Amazing. Amazing."

		Jon Hansen and Frederick Ellington returned from a drive out in the desert, reporting strange sightings beneath the ground of an alien lab. Below, their older vehicle is shown outside a tall chain link fence. At approximately 5:15AM, they were able to climb over the fence without being spotted and climbed up the large hill overlooking the desert. The found a beat-up wooden door which led to a cave. The quickly followed the poorly lighted pathway down some stairs to a lab below. The quietly crept their way past an open door leading to an experimental lab where they saw supposed aliens examining a middle-aged gentleman. The two boys left and told their story to Jon's mother, who has reported the two of them missing. Police are investigating the mysterious findings and disappearance.